The Panda King Conquers All
by Author888
Summary: Tohru was kidnapped! And apparently someone calling himself the Panda King was the person who stole her. Warning: utter insanity, shonenai, and Tohru! Chapter 5 has a bonus at the end!
1. Chapter 1

Title: The Panda King Conquers All

By: Author 888

**Disclaimer: I own the Panda King and his song. That's it.**

Author's note: Um… I hope you like this

Chapter 1: The Panda King Wants You

It was a normal rainy day at Shigure's house. Hatsuharu, Momiji, Ritsu, and Ayame were visiting. Okay, so maybe it wasn't that normal of a day. Ritsu was apologizing for every single thing that happened. Ayame was trying to bond with his brother. Haru was watching TV. Momiji was bothering Kyo. It was chaos. What was worse was that Tohru hadn't started dinner and they were usually eating by now. Tohru had gone out to buy ingredients for their meal, but she had been gone far too long.

"Special delivery!" a man said from outside. All activity in the house ceased as Yuki took the package. It was just a small parcel. Yuki read it aloud.

Dear Sohma Family,

I have your precious Tohru Honda.

If you want to see her again, go to the

Panda Castle. If you do not comply with

all the requirements, I will be forced to dispose

of her. The requirements are:

Number 1: You move into the Panda Castle.

Number 2: You become my faithful servants.

Number 3: You have ice cream every day.

Number 4: The monkey wears a maid outfit. (I will supply the outfit)

Number 5: Momiji brings a live chicken.

Number 6: Yuki becomes a general in my army.

Number 7: Shigure and Ayame admit they're gay.

Number 8: Kyo becomes my pet. (This is the most important.)

Number 9: Haru kisses Yuki.

If these demands are not met, my panda army will destroy everything

you find important, especially your family and friends.

Sincerely,

Panda King

"What the hell?" Kyo burst out as soon as Yuki finished. "Who the hell does this person think he is?"

"Stupid cat, he thinks he's the Panda King," Yuki replied.

"I'M SORRY THAT TOHRU GOT KIDNAPPED. I APOLOGIZE TO THE WHOLE WORLD. I WILL MAKE SURE SHE IS SAVED EVEN IF IT COSTS ME MY LIFE," Ritsu panic talked.

"I get to hold a chicken!" Momiji cheered.

They begin to travel across half of Japan. They travel through snow, hail, angry mother-in-laws, rain, sleet, and searing sun. Momiji always holding his chicken, like a good boy. Shigure carrying Ayame after Ayame injures himself on a pebble. Ritsu ran back and forth through every climate.

I'm kidding. Shigure got everyone in a car and drove about two blocks to Panda Castle. When he arrived, he ushered all of them out. Momiji was holding his chicken, and Ayame was the last out.

"Carry me, Shigure!" Ayame ordered.

"I will! I will carry you through anything!" Shigure replied. He then lifted Ayame and carried him through the main gate.

"Yes!" They both said.

"Hurry up you idiots," Kyo told them. Then he saw Hiro mopping the sidewalk. "What the hell are you doing!" Kyo asked.

"Panda King took over the Sohma main house," Hiro replied. Afterward, he continued to mop.

"Hurry up," Haru demanded then left the garden through the front door to the castle. Kyo quickly followed.

Kagura stood in the hall, waiting for them. "Hello, this way to the Panda King."

She directed them to the throne room, and on the throne stood a panda. "Ah, you must be the other Sohmas. I've been waiting for you," Panda King said.

"He is a real panda… a mystery," Haru stated.

"Who the hell do you think you are? Give us back Tohru," Kyo yelled.

"Feisty… Perfect," Panda King replied.

"My lord, Panda King, our conquest of North America is complete. A panda is now in every home, slowly becoming the head of the house," a panda soldier announced as he entered the room from a different door.

"And what of Africa, South America, and Europe?" Panda King asked.

"South America is almost complete. Europe is also. Africa needs reinforcements, sir. They are a poverty stricken continent and think of the pandas as food."

"Send them the reinforcements."

"Yes sir."

"Bring in the servants!" Panda King suddenly ordered. Instantly, many female pandas enter with a dance and begin to sing.

All hail the panda king The panda king is great 

_**All hail the panda king**_

_**The panda king is great**_

_**All hail the panda king**_

_**He will rule you all**_

_**All hail the panda king**_

_**And his ball**_

The Panda King revealed a black and white ball from behind him. He then explained what was going on. Unfortunately, he explained in song.

_**I am the greatest **_

_**The greatest of all**_

_**I am the greatest**_

_**Me and my ball**_

_**All hail me, the panda king**_

_**I'll rid the world of pain**_

_**Surely the panda king**_

_**Will rule the world again**_

The dancers began to sing again.

_**All hail the panda king**_

_**The panda king is great **_

_**All hail the panda king**_

_**The panda king is great**_

_**All hail the panda king**_

_**He will rule you all**_

_**All hail the panda king**_

_**And his ball**_

The Panda King sang again.

_**Truly the best I am**_

_**The best I could be**_

_**Truly the best I am**_

_**Surely you agree**_

_**When I rule the humans**_

_**Crime rates will fall**_

_**When I rule the humans**_

_**Free ice cream for all**_

The dancers sang for a last time.

_**All hail the panda king**_

_**The panda king is great**_

_**All hail the panda king**_

_**The panda king is great**_

_**All hail the panda king**_

_**He will rule you all**_

_**All hail the panda king**_

_**And his ball**_

The Panda King then finished with two words.

_**Thank you.**_

"Let me get this straight. You want us to be your servants while you take over the world and give people free ice cream," Yuki said.

"Yes," Panda King replied.

"What the hell is wrong with you!" Kyo burst out again.

"Nothing."

The Panda King began to cough and hack, so he poked Kisa with a stick. Kisa began to call somebody on her shiny new cell phone. "Hello, Hatori… Yeah, he's coughing again and wants you to come right away," Kisa said then hung up the phone.

"You poke Kisa with a stick and she calls the servant you need," Yuki stated as the Panda King stopped coughing.

"Yes," he replied.

"I'm here," Hatori declared as he entered the room. He was wearing a panda suit.

"Now, on to my demands…" Panda King began.

Note: O.O WTF O.O This is what happens when I don't write horror/tragedy/suspense. I had some trouble with present and past tense this chapter. I'm sorry. Review please.


	2. Panda Castle

Title: The Panda King Conquers All

By: _Author_ 888

**Disclaimer: I own nothing except Panda Castle.**

Note: From now on Panda King will be known as Yoshiharu.

Chapter 2: Panda Castle

The next day, Yuki and Haru were talking in the hallway next to the door to the throne room.

"We're just waiting for Momiji to give up the chicken," Yuki stated.

"Yep, we even kissed and Momiji still won't give up the chicken," Haru replied. Yuki blushed while remembering the moment.

_Memory:_

_"Haru, kiss Yuki now," Yoshiharu demanded._

_Haru walked towards Yuki. He began to kiss Yuki. The kiss lasted as long as possible. Haru only broke the kiss because of lack of air._

"You didn't have to include tongue," Yuki said.

"Yes, I did," Haru replied. "It might not have looked like a real kiss otherwise."

"Oh brother!" Ayame called as he entered their sight. He was wearing a frilly pink dress. "Now that I have admitted that I'm gay, I can wear whatever I want."

"You look like Princess Peach," Yuki responded.

"I look that much like him."

"HIM!" Yuki said surprised.

"I never told you before. Princess Peach is actually a man named Washihiro who comes to my shop every couple of months to get a new dress. Very few people know that he is a cross-dresser. That's why he hit it big in the video game world. I doubt even Nintendo knows," Ayame told both of them.

Haru butted in, "Let me guess… Mario is a woman by the name of Paula who is a tomboy and wears a fake mustache to fool the Nintendo employees. Luigi is her sister Patricia who is also a tomboy that wears a fake mustache to do the same."

Ayame was shocked. "Why yes, and Princess Daisy is a kitten that can talk. I am being serious. Oh, don't get me started on Link and Zelda. They-"

Ayame was interrupted by Momiji leaving the throne room crying. "He took the chicken from me! He says he has something important for the chicken to do."

_I bet that means he was going to eat it. _Yuki began to walk away when the intercom stopped him. "General Yuki Sohma, in three days you will leave with the majority of the army based here at Panda Castle and start the conquest of Asia. Remember everybody, the conquest of Antarctica, Australia, and North America shows that we are unstoppable!" Yuki continued walking.

Soon he walked by Ritsu, the maid. Shigure snuck up behind him and teased, "Ritchan, you missed a spot."

"I'M SORRY! I DIDN'T NOTICE! I'LL FIX IT RIGHT AWAY! I DON'T DESERVE TO LIVE! I'M SO SORRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRY!" Ritsu screamed.

"I'm kidding. You didn't miss a spot," Shigure replied.

"Don't do that, Shigure," Yuki told him.

"Sorry, General Yuki, sir," Shigure replied teasingly.

"All Sohma members that do not have a job, report to the throne room immediately. Attendance is mandatory! Yuki! You have to come too!" Yoshiharu said over the intercom.

About a half an hour later, Yuki, Momiji, Haru, Shigure, Ayame, and Kureno gathered in the throne room. Kyo was lying down in the corner.

(A/N:

Author 888: What is Kureno doing in the throne room?

Author 867: I don't know. Ask Author 498.

Author 498: Sorry, my bad. I forgot to give him a job earlier.

Author 888: Stupid idiot! I give you one simple job, and you mess it up to no end.

Author 005: Stop fighting! You have a fiction to present, not an argument!

Author 888: Just one more question. Who put that Princess Peach thing in there?

Ayame: I did! He really is one of my clients.

Author 005: O.O

Author 867: O.O

Author 498: O.o

Ayame: Yay!

Author 888: Well… Back to the fiction everybody!)

"Kureno, your job is jail guard. Leave now!" Yoshiharu told Kureno as soon as he entered the room. Kureno leaves. "Now that the unexpected guest is gone, I made you ice cream!"

"Yay! I want it first!" Momiji cheered.

"Here you go, my new dancer." Yoshiharu gave Momiji his ice cream.

"Did you hear that? I get to be a dancer!" Momiji told everyone.

"Shigure… as we all now know, you are gay. You too, Ayame," Yoshiharu began an announcement.

_Memory:_

_"So… Shigure, Ayame… Are you gay?"_

_"Yes!" they both announced with a cheer. "We are gay! We love being gay! Hari is-" Shigure fell to the ground. Hatori had attacked after hearing what they were about to say. His panda suit just made his fury grow._

_"Hari is not gay!" Ayame stated after seeing the flames in Hatori's eyes. "I'm sorry. I couldn't help myself."_

"Good times… Ah! Good times," Shigure thought aloud.

"You get to be my wedding planner. I'll think of another job for you after the wedding. Ayame, you get to design my future wife's dress," Yoshiharu told them.

"Who is the lucky gal?" Ayame asked.

"Isuzu Sohma."

"NO FUCKING WAY IS SHE GOING TO MARRY YOU!" Haru turned black.

"I told her that if she didn't marry me, I would kill you."

"DIE!"

"If you attack me, I'll kill her." Haru turned white after Yoshiharu told him that.

"I haven't decided your job yet, so let's have a quiz!" Yoshiharu told Haru.

A booming voice suddenly began to speak, "Welcome to the Job Decision Quiz! Today's episode takes place at Panda Castle, where Yoshiharu, the panda king, wants our contestant Hatsuharu Sohma to have a job. Let's see what we can do."

A machine to answer questions fell from the roof. Haru read the screen out loud.

_Question 1:_

_Would you rather…_

_A. Meet Yuki in a street alley at night._

_B. Talk more about Princess Peach._

_C. Be an anime and manga character._

_D. Irish dance._

Yuki stared shocked. _What is this quiz suggesting? _He looked at Shigure.

"Pick A. Please pick A." Shigure suggested.

Haru thought for a minute. _All of them sound appealing. I love Yuki, and the talk about Princess Peach was interesting. I always wanted to be a star, but I know how to Irish dance._ He pressed a button on the monitor.

_Question 2:_

_If you can throw empty cans at one person, whom would you throw them at?_

_A. Kagura_

_B. The president of the United States_

_C. Yoshiharu_

_D. Author 498_

"Who the hell is Author 498?" Kyo burst out.

"It doesn't matter, stupid cat," Yuki replied.

"Pick B, Haru," Ayame cheered. Haru once again pressed a button on the monitor and a new question popped up.

_Question 3:_

_If you could make love to one person/thing would it be…_

_A. Yuki_

_B. Inu Anime Girl_

_C. Ayame_

_D. I'll do whatever Amanda says._ (A/N My name is not Amanda. She is my friend who loves Haru.)

"Who's Amanda?" Momiji asked as he finished his third ice cream cone.

Haru quickly pressed a button on the monitor. A new question quickly replaced the old one.

_Question 4:_

_Magical flying doorknobs are coming. What do you do?_

_A. Hide in Yuki's room._

_B. Join the doorknob army._

_C. Save the ones you love._

_D. Hug all the doorknobs until they agree to leave you alone until the end of time._

"Choose D. please choose D.!" Momiji told Haru.

Haru thought about this one. Eventually, he chose on of the answers and the final question showed.

_Question 5:_

_This is the final question._

_A._ "_Yuki, let's go to bed now. **snicker"**_

_B. _"_Answer A scares me._"

C. "_Hooray!_"

D. "_Whatever._"

"Choose B." Yuki told Haru.

"Choose A." Shigure and Ayame demanded.

"C. is the correct answer," Momiji cheered.

Haru answered the question and the monitor left displayed more information

_Answer:_

_If you chose mostly…_

_A. You are now Yuki's bitch._

_B. You are now a soldier on the front line._

_C. You are now an anime/manga star._

_D. You are now a hired assassin for Panda Castle._

You chose 1:D. 2:B. 3:A. 4:C. 5:D. You are now a hired assassin for Panda Castle. Congratulations!

"Great," Haru stated sarcastically.

Note: Umm… I didn't write this. At least, I wish I could say that. Unfortunately, I did write this and make Princess Peach a male. What is the mystery of Link and Zelda? What happens to the Sohmas next? Read next chapter and find out. At this moment, I don't even know.


	3. The Cat Priestess, Purrl

Title: The Panda King Conquers All

By: Author 888

**Disclaimer: I won all rights to the Panda King, Yoshiharu in a contest. I won Panda Castle too.**

Note: Umm… Warning: insanity, shonen-ai, stupidity, and more of Ayame's customers!

Chapter 3: The Cat Priestess, Purrl

3 days and 3 nights until Yuki leaves:

The meeting was almost adjourned. Unfortunately…

"Let's rumba!" Yoshiharu cheered to the group. Kyo stood up. "Not you, my pet. I don't want to tire you out yet!" (A/N o.O)

"I'm ready," Haru told Yoshihiro while grabbing Yuki.

"No wait! Not yet! I have a present for you General Yuki," Yoshiharu said. He pulled a light purple sparkly dress that was made of silk.

Yuki's eyes opened wide. "There… i-is n-no… way that you could get me to wear that."

Haru grabbed the dress and turned to Yoshiharu. "He loves the dress." Then he pushed Yuki into a changing room. "Come on… I know this is what you want. COME ON!" He finally got Yuki in the room.

"I also have one for you Ayame!" Yoshiharu stated jollily. He threw a Paula (see chapter 2) red dress and matching ruby earrings at Ayame. "Go change!" He then looked at Momiji, "I got carried away and bought you one." Momiji received a bright yellow and sparkling dress with a white sash over one shoulder.

"Umm… Okay!" Momiji cheered.

Thirty minutes later, Haru dragged Yuki out of the changing room. Momiji and Ayame beat them because they didn't fight. Yoshiharu grabbed Momiji, "Then let's dance!" Music began to play and the couples danced. Haru grabbed Yuki and they began to dance with Shigure and Ayame next to them. On the other side of them, Yoshiharu and Momiji were dancing too.

(A/N:

Author 888: Who took Ayame shopping!

Other Authors: **points to Author 320**

Author 320: What's wrong? You don't like my changes.

Author 888: what am I going to do with you? I tell you to buy a dark blue dress for Ayame and a bright pink dress for Yuki and this is how you repay me! I didn't even tell you to buy a dress for Momiji! Should I throw you in jail with Author 498? Uhh… It's hopeless!…

Author 320: **not listening. **Doesn't he overreact to everything, Author 400?

Author 400: A bit.

Author 888: …it! Author 607 and Author 400, take Mr. 320 to Kureno's jail please.

Authors 607 and 400 carry Author 320 to the jail.

**Later at the jail…**

Author 498: How long am I in for?

Kureno: Forever.

Author 498: WHAT! I CAN'T BE HERE FOREVER. I ONLY MADE ONE MISTAKE!

Kureno: At least until Author 888 says to let you go.

The authors enter the jail.

Author 607: He angered the boss.

Kureno: Put him in the cell with Author 498.)

She entered the castle through the main gate. _Hmph! I should be treated with more respect by that dumb panda king. Not even one soldier was there to greet me. _She heard music from the throne room. The cat moved closer and closer. _He's not having a party without me, is he? He's going to get it now! I think I'll scare him._

"OH YOSHIHARU! I have returned from my journey to Mexico!" she shouted from the other side of the door. Seconds later, she opened the door.

"Crap! I forgot she was returning today. She's going to kill me!" Yoshiharu burst out as he dropped Momiji's hands and ran to shut off the music. Just as he reached the stereo, the cat priestess burst in.

"Hello, Yoshiharu. You didn't forget about me, did you?" Purrl stated sarcastically.

"Why of course not. I thought you were arriving later and was rehearsing your welcoming party," Yoshiharu said sheepishly.

"Anyway… aren't you going to welcome me?"

"Oh yes. Welcome back to Panda Castle, Purrl Olivia Josephina Guadalupe Katrina Padilla, cat priestess."

"Why thank you for welcoming me, but you don't have to use my full name," Purrl told him. "Who are these people?"

"Well… these are my newest servants. Yuki here is my general-"

"I don't really care. AW! Aren't you just the cutest thing in that dress?" she shrieked as she saw Momiji. She grabbed him and carried him out of the room.

"I guess this meeting is adjourned," Yoshiharu said before they left.

Yuki, Haru, Ayame, and Shigure exited at the same time. "Now where was I…?" Ayame asked. "That's right! Link and Zelda!"

"I like this one!" Shigure told the rat and ox.

"Zelda first…"

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Yuki screamed.

"Well, the sooner you listen, the sooner it stops! I've never been so offended in all my life. As I was saying, Zelda and Sheik are really two different people. Sheik is a guy. I've gotten into an argument over it before, but the way they did it on the video game was with Photoshop. I tell you, she had such a crush on him when he first showed up. It was so funny. Then she learned he was gay and became so depressed that they had to stop production for two weeks! It was hilarious!"

Haru interrupted, "It sounds funny."

"Link… what should I say about him… That's good. He has had intercourse with so many other members of cast and crew: Saria, Malon, Sheik, Zelda, Ruto, Ruto's father, the king of Hyrule, that man in town that nobody ever believed, that kid that hung around in the graveyard, the Composer Brother's ghosts, many of the gorons, Ganondorf. You get the point. He is such a man whore. OH! Nobody knows this but me and Sheik, he was the one that told me, Link has herpes!"

"Disturbing…" Yuki thought out loud.

"I just remembered! Pikachu, Jigglypuff, and Samus. Now those are good stories, but, alas, I must save them for another day! Shigure wants to go yaoi with me. Our job doesn't start until tomorrow, so we decided to have fun today! Ta ta!" Ayame rambled.

"I have to go too, Yuki," Haru told him and kissed his cheek. "See you tonight."

"It looks like we are not the only gay ones here Shiggy! I'm so proud of my brother!"

"Haru! What are you talking about! What about tonight! I never made plans with you! Get back here!" Yuki screamed as he ran after Haru.

"My brother is growing up so fast! Oh, hi Ritsu!" Ayame said as he saw Ritsu round the corner with that French maid's dress on. "It's almost time to end the day!"

"I'M SORRY! I DIDN'T KNOW THAT! I WILL MAKE SURE THE CASTLE IS SPOTLESS BEFORE THE DAY IS OVER! IF I FAIL I WILL PUNISH MYSELF SEVERELY! I SHOULD NEVER HAVE ACCEPTED THIS JOB!" Shigure appeared and poked Ritsu in the side. Come now Aaya…"

Note: Still wish I didn't write this, but I still did. What did Haru mean by see you tonight? Is he implying something? What happened to Tohru? Find out in Chapter 4: Night Show Chicken. Until then… Bye!


	4. Night Show Chicken

Title: The Panda King Conquers All

By: Author 888

**Disclaimer: I want to keep all rights to my Panda King and my lawyer is ready to kill anyone who disagrees. Yes… My lawyer is Kyo.**

Note: Warnings: utter insanity, shonen-ai, yaoi, stupidity, Ayame's customers

Chapter 4: Night Show Chicken

Yuki sat on his bed. _Great… Haru's coming to my room tonight and I have no idea what he wants. What if he wants to…? No… He wouldn't want to rape me, would he?_ He felt skin on the back of his neck. Arms wrapped around him suddenly, hands slowly unbuttoning Yuki's shirt.

Soon, his shirt was on the floor, and he felt Haru's bare chest against his back. "Hello… my love."

Minutes later, Shigure and Ayame heard something like a moan from Yuki's room. They stopped, ears against the door, and listened to what happened.

"I want more, Haru." Ayame was proud that his brother was admitting his true feelings.

"Take them off and give me some first." Shigure was doing all he could to stop from laughing. They heard the sound of something falling to the ground.

"OH MY GOD! LOOK AT THAT FAT COCK!" Yuki screamed. "It looks like it's been taken care of."

"It has," Haru agreed.

Ayame's eyes were as wide as possible. _Is my brother really going that far so soon?_ "Stop! Brother!" Ayame screamed.

A minute later, Haru and Yuki exited the room, buttoning up their shirts. "How could you go that far with this ruffian?" Ayame complained.

"What are you talking about?" Haru asked.

"You know very well what I'm talking about. 'I want more, Haru.'"

"Oh! And don't forget, 'Take them off and give me some first,'" Shigure added.

Yuki explained, "We were eating grapes. I asked for more, and he told me to take some of them off the vine and give them for him to eat."

"How do you explain, 'OH MY GOD! LOOK AT THAT FAT COCK!' and 'It looks like it's been taken care of.'" Ayame speculated.

"Don't forget Haru's agreement," Shigure interrupted again.

Yuki went back into the room. Quickly, he returned with the chicken Momiji brought to Panda Castle with him. "This chicken fell silently through our roof. I yelled when I noticed that it was the skinny chicken Momiji brought. I then guessed that Yoshiharu had fed and cared for it well. Haru agreed with me."

"Well, anyway, this the perfect time to tell you about what Pikachu told me," Ayame began. Yuki had nowhere to run, so he had to listen. "It was when he came to buy that wonderful tiara. He was talking about Samus. He told me how she had had an operation."

"What kind of operation?"

"A sex change operation, and that's how she is now a woman. Then he told me about Jigglypuff. He told me about when she began to eat the other Pokemon and became so fat that she couldn't move. That's when she was arrested for one hundred and forty-two charges of murder and fifty more charges of attempted murder. Her trial will be in three days. That's about all I have to tell you this time. See ya!" With that Ayame left by skipping down the hall.

The intercom turned on, "Everybody report to the throne room immediately. Oh, Yuki, Haru bring me my chicken."

Quickly the throne room filled with servants and soldiers. Round tables had been set up in front of a stage with nametags. Yuki and Haru entered, and instantly, Yoshiharu grabbed the chicken from Yuki. They worked their way around the tables, looking for their seats. Yuki found them both at a table marked V.I.P. They sat.

"So, how do you like your seats," Yoshiharu asked from behind. He walked around and sat to the right of Haru. Yuki checked to see who would sit next to him. On the nametag to the right, it had the name Author 888.

(A/N:

Author 888: Wait a second. Who signed me up to join his little party?

Author 845: I did! I did!

Author 888: You're an idiot.

Author 845: You're mean!

Author 888: You're stupid.

Author 093: Oh! Josephine! I'm here!

Author 888: Oh, hi, Emily. What are you doing here? Aren't you supposed to be working on "A Rose For Tohru".

Author 093: About that, we need ya help on a part of that. What's goin' on here?

Author 888: **points at Author 845**

Author 093: What'd ya do this time, Marybelle? Did ya blow somethin' up again? Or did ya lose anotha thing worth more than a million dollas again?

Author 845: I signed him up for a party.

Author 093: Ya really are an idjit.

Author 888: Do you want to help me throw Author 845 in jail.

Author 093: Sure.)

On Yuki's left the nametag was empty. When Yuki looked to his right again, a person had taken a seat.

"Attention everyone. Attention!" Yuki looked towards the stage. _Who's speaking? Nobody is on the stage… _He looked down. …_unless it's the chicken._

Yuki leaned over to Author 888, "Is the chicken speaking?"

Author 888 replied, "Yes." (A/N In case you're wondering, I'm Author 887, the backup author.)

The chicken opened its beak, "ATTENTION!" Everyone looked right at the chicken. "Hello, I'm Bawk, and all of us are here today to celebrate the adoption of Yoshiharu's new daughter." Suddenly, Yuki saw some feet come out from behind the curtain. He followed the body up and saw…

"TOHRU! What are you doing up there!" Yuki yelled out.

"Oh, hi, Yuki-kun!" Tohru said.

Bawk butted in, "This is Yoshiharu's new daughter." He turned to Tohru. "Go take your seat next to your father."

Tohru sat to Yuki's left. "What's going on? How did you become Yoshiharu's daughter?" Yuki asked instantly.

"Well… Where to start? I know. While I was being held captive in Candy Mountain, being served ice cream and unlimited milkshakes by butlers and getting massages every night and winning a free cruise ship, Daddy came up to me and asked me if I would like to be adopted by him, and I accepted. Yay! I'll be the princess of the world!" Tohru explained.

Butlers arrived with lobster and crab legs to serve everybody. For a while, everybody chatted while eating his or her seafood. Then, Bawk began to speak. "Time for our first of three acts. Here's our very own Purrl and Momiji!" The chicken left the stage and the curtain rose to reveal Momiji in a tuxedo and a sombrero and Purrl in a Mexican fiesta dress.

Momiji threw the sombrero towards Tohru, "Hi, Tohru! This is for you!" The two began to dance to Mexican folk music. Yuki wasn't watching.

"I still don't get it. You adopted her," he said to Yoshiharu.

"Yes, for the fourteenth time," Yoshiharu replied.

"You-"

"Stop! Or I'll tell your secret to her."

"What secret?" Yuki asked.

"The one involving a fat cock!" Shigure exclaimed from behind the Panda King. Ayame was there too.

Bawk jumped onto the middle of the table. "Who you calling fat, you human?"

"Umm… nobody…" Ayame stated.

"Good! See you later! Oh, and Tohru, I'll be over at nine for your massage." Bawk jumped off the table.

"Bawk jumped off the table… I said jumped off the table… Got it?… Good…" Author 888 spoke into a cell-phone.

"Get off the phone, Author 888," Haru stated, "or I'll be forced to get ugly."

"But this is a business call," Author 888 replied.

"Sure it is," Haru replied sarcastically. "Everybody needs to know what we're doing at the exact moment it happens." Haru grabbed the phone and threw it against the floor. (A/N Good thing I have this backup video camera.)

Note: What was Author 888 smoking when he wrote this? Anyway come see part two of Night Show Chicken, Chapter 5: Something! Wooo!


	5. Umm Sister Josephina Rodriguez

Title: The Panda King Conquers All

By: Author 888(and all 887 others in my mind)

**Disclaimer: Yes! I own Fruits Basket! I wish I could say that, but I can't! I do own Bawk, Purrl Olivia Josephina Guadalupe Katrina Padilla, Yoshiharu, and any other characters that are not owned by somebody else. Yes I own "All Hail The Panda King".**

Note: Warning: utter insanity, stupidity, shonen-ai, yaoi, Bawk, Ayame's customers, Tohru, and MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! I discovered recently that I have no life and almost died in a car accident.

Chapter 5: Something!

2 days, 3 nights until Yuki leaves…

Purrl twisted under Momiji's arm. (A/N Author 887 here! I don't think Author 888 ever told you that Purrl was about the same size as Momiji!) Then the dance ended. Everybody clapped for the couple.

Bawk reappeared on the stage. "Next up… we have Kagura singing a song for her love! Kyo don't leave! We have a surprise for you!" Bawk left the stage and the curtain rose.

Kagura stood in the middle of the stage, microphone in hands, "One… Two… Three…"

_**Yeah…**_

_**The sun is shining every day**_

_**Clouds never get in the way**_

_**For you and me**_

_**I've known you just a week or two**_

_**But baby I'm so into you**_

_**Can hardly breathe**_

_**And I'm in so totally**_

_**Wrapped up emotionally**_

_**Attracted so physically**_

_**Acting so recklessly**_

_**I need you so desperately**_

_**Sure as the sky is blue**_

_**Baby I love you**_

_**I love you**_

_**I never knew that I could feel like this**_

_**Can hardly wait 'til our next kiss**_

_**You're so cool**_

_**If I'm dreamin' please don't wake me up**_

_**Cause baby I can't get enough of**_

_**What you do**_

_**And I'm in so electrically**_

_**Charged up kinetically**_

_**Acting erratically**_

_**Need you fanatically**_

_**It gets you m-magically**_

_**Sure as the sky is blue**_

_**Baby I love you**_

_**I can't believe that this is real**_

_**The way I feel**_

_**Baby I've gone head over heels**_

_**And I'm in so totally**_

_**Wrapped up emotionally**_

_**Attracted so physically**_

_**Acting so recklessly**_

_**I need you so desperately**_

_**Sure as the sky is blue**_

_**And I'm in so electrically**_

_**Charged up kinetically**_

_**Acting erratically**_

_**Need you fanatically**_

_**It gets you m-magically**_

_**Sure as the sky is blue**_

_**Baby I love you**_

_**Baby I love you**_

_**Do you love me too?**_

_**Baby I love you**_

_**I love you Kureno**_

"I don't love you!" Kyo screamed. "Wait… Kureno! I thought you loved me! What happened!"

"So now you love me, huh?" Kagura retorted. "Too late now! I love Kureno!"

Kureno stepped onto the stage, "And, unlike some cat, I love her back! In fact, we're getting married on the same day as Yoshiharu and Rin!"

Uo randomly appeared from nowhere, "Why you two-timing, son of a bitch! You were supposed to go on a date with me tomorrow!" Uo then started to punch at Kureno. Kureno retaliated with a kick to her face.

The violence went on as Author 888 got a call on the spare cell-phone. "Hello… Yes… What do you need now?… Okay, Author 093, I'll be there later… What?… Oh, somebody else figured it out… See you later… Bye!"

Then Author 888 got another call, "Hello… Hello, Author 887… Yes, this is how I want it… Everything is going perfectly… See, Kureno's about to win… I'll be back after the party… Go get Marybelle and tell her she can leave. I'm enjoying this party… See ya!" The author hung up the cell-phone.

Haru stood above the author. "How many times do I have to tell you not to talk on the phone during the party?" He took the cell-phone and broke it with a bowling ball.

"What do you have against my cell phones? Perhaps you forget my job? Do you want me to make you end up with Bawk?" Author 888 warned.

Hatsuharu sat down and stayed quiet. Meanwhile, on the stage, Kureno kicked Uo in the stomach and made her fall to the ground. "Soldiers! Take this little girl away to Candy Mountain Prison!"

Uo's strength grew tremendously. "Who are you calling LITTLE GIRL?" Uo was slowly dragged away by twenty-four soldiers and Purrl. "I WON'T LET YOU GET AWAY WITH THIS!"

Kyo was crying at Kagura's feet. "What did I do wrong? I love you Kagura. Why did you end our wonderful relationship?" Kyo began a whiny cry like Momiji's.

"Oh! That's so sweet! No, really, get off me and stop crying like a little, teensy baby. You fucking moron! I hate your guts now," Kagura burst out then left him there, crying.

"Oh you better believe that you hate him! He's mine, and you can't take him away from me! If I ever see you near him again, I'll kill ya, sista'!" Yoshiharu screamed as Kagura left. Then he turned to Kyo, "Remember what we're doing tonight." He smiled and left.

Bawk got on stage again and began to speak, "Well… our final act is… You've got to be kidding me. It's Yoshiharu and the Panda Dancers with the smash hit 'All Hail The Panda King'! Now excuse me while I leave." Bawk ran away very fast.

Yoshiharu and the dancers from earlier arrived on stage. "Hello Panda Castle! You ready for this!" The music started and the dancers started singing.

_**All hail the panda king**_

_**The panda king is great**_

_**All hail the panda king**_

_**The panda king is great**_

_**All hail the panda king**_

_**He will rule you all**_

_**All hail the panda king**_

_**And his ball**_

_**Yoshiharu:**_

_**I am the greatest**_

_**The greatest of all**_

_**I am the greatest**_

_**Me and my ball**_

_**All hail me, the panda king**_

_**I'll rid the world of pain**_

_**Surely the panda king**_

_**Will rule the world again**_

_**Dancers:**_

_**All hail the panda king**_

_**The panda king is great**_

_**All hail the panda king**_

_**The panda king is great**_

_**All hail the panda king**_

_**He will rule you all**_

_**All hail the panda king**_

_**And his ball**_

_**Yoshiharu:**_

_**Truly the best I am**_

_**The best I could be**_

_**Truly the best I am**_

_**Surely you agree**_

_**When I rule the humans**_

_**Crime rates will fall**_

_**When I rule the humans**_

_**Free ice cream for all**_

_**Dancers:**_

_**All hail the panda king**_

_**The panda king is great**_

_**All hail the panda king**_

_**The panda king is great**_

_**All hail the panda king**_

_**He will rule you all**_

_**All hail the panda king**_

_**And his ball**_

_**Yoshiharu:**_

_**Thank you**_

When he finished the room was silent. Yoshiharu looked angrily at Author 888 for not writing in that they clapped for him. Then he calmly stated, "Clap for my beautiful song."

Nobody clapped. Yoshiharu began to scream in rage, "IF YOU DON'T FUCKING CLAP FOR ME, I'M GOING TO BLOW UP ALL OF EUROPE!" Everybody began the loudest applause ever given by an audience, ever.

Bawk reappeared from somewhere. "That's everything we have scheduled today. Finish eating and return to your quarters… or somebody else's." Bawk exited the throne room quickly.

Purrl and Momiji were the first to leave. They had to practice their dance routine for the wedding. They were quickly followed by Shigure and Ayame, who had to do their "jobs". Yuki turned to look at Haru and noticed that Author 888 was gone.

(A/N

Author 887: When did Author 888 leave?

Author 888: As soon as Bawk left. Time for me to write the fiction again. Go do some task needed for the future.

Author 887: Fine…

Author 888: See ya!)

Haru tapped Yuki's shoulder and made him jump. "You know… we still have all night," Haru pointed out.

"My place," Yuki replied.

"Sure. Why not?"

Note: I scare myself. Anyway, I have a special feature for you today. Enjoy!

Announcer: Welcome to the Nun With Guns show! Starring Sister Josephina Rodriguez, Maryanne Reliz, and Cora Jones! In today's episode, we join Sister Josephina Rodriguez as she teaches her class in St. Peter's School For Girls.

Sister Josephina: Tell me what the Bible says about say about sledgehammers and beating up people. Tell me, Cora Jones!

Cora: Hold your peace and let the Lord fight your battle.

Sister Josephina: Hold your peace and let the Lord fight your battle.

Cora: Yes.

Sister Josephina: Hold your peace… and let the Lord fight your battle. What else?

Cora: I can't think of nothing else

Sister Josephina: Okay, can't think of nothing else. Hold your peace… and let the Lord fight your battle. Hold your peace and let the Lord fight- **She holds up a pistol. **Hold your peace… **dramatic pause **and let the Lord fight your battles. And I'm going to add something to that. I'm going to say blessed are the piece makers.

Cora: Oh yeah, that's-that's what I was going to say.

Sister Josephina: Blessed are Smith and Wesson. **Laugh**

Cora: **laugh**

Maryanne: **giggle**

Sister Josephina: You don't believe this is a peacemaker? I'm going to take you to the Bible and I'm going to prove it to you. Those of you who have your Bibles, turn with me to St. Matthew, the 11th Chapter. And you will find these words. "Jesus was asleep in a boat… and there arose a great storm… and the twelve disciplines were worried… **class laughs **so they went running up to Jesus and said… 'Master, carest thou not that we perish?' Am I right about it?

Cora: That's right. That's right.

Sister Josephina: Stay with me and I'm going to bless you. Jesus…

Maryanne: uh-huh

Sister Josephina: got up, went to the boat, the top of it and he said three little words. 'Peace be still.'"

Cora: Yes he did.

Sister Josephina: "Peace be still." Now that thing set down in my spirit when I was reading it because I thought about it. Jesus was the Word.

Cora: Yeah.

Sister Josephina: And before him, nobody could speak because He was the Word.

Maryanne: That's right.

Sister Josephina: The Bible says, in the beginning was the Word and the Word was with God and the God was the Word and the Word was God. Am I right?

Cora: That's right! That's right.

Sister Josephina: Now, Jesus… was speaking words.

Maryanne: Yes.

Sister Josephina: So, if the Word spoke words…

Cora: Uh-huh

Sister Josephina: The creator of the alphabet and of the Words, spoke words. He spoke words in past, present, and future tense. Am I right about it?

Cora: All right, all right.

Sister Josephina: "Peace be still." In the beginning peace was already still. He just had to fulfill the prophecy. Stay with me.

Maryanne: **silent laughter**

Sister Josephina: Jesus said, "Peace be still."

Maryanne: Yeah he did.

Sister Josephina: And peace was still.

Cora: Uh-huh.

Sister Josephina: And if you want peace right now peace is still in the future. Am I right?

Cora: That's right.

Sister Josephina: Peace be still. Peace was still.

Maryanne: Uh-huh.

Sister Josephina: Peace is still. Peace be still. Peace was still. Peace is made of steel. **Touches her finger to the pistol in her hand. **

Class: **roaring laughter**

Sister Josephina: **shakes her head crazily**

Trisha: That's not right.

Sister Josephina: **points pistol at Trisha. **You don't believe it's a peacemaker? Your boyfriend ain't acting right? And you don't know what to do. All you got to do is pull it out and there will be… **points pistol upwards and makes some random movements. Points pistol at her stomach. **It's like a bullet shut up in my gun.

Maryanne: **very surprised **What?

Class: **laughing to death**

Sister Josephina: Gotcha…Your boss is working on your nerve and you know you doing you job.

Cora: Uh-huh.

Sister Josephina: He just want to mess with you, pull it out put it on the desk and there will be… **slams pistol on desk and mocks a person running away very goofily. Then she starts to dance. **Thank you, Lord. Hallelujah! **Flashes the class. A weird noise starts to sound.**

Class: **shocked**

Trisha: Get her, Lord! Get her! Yes, Lord, get her. Get her, Lord. Get her! Get her!

Sister Josephina: Okay, class. Before you leave today. Remember to always carry a gun. I'll start you off. **Hands out guns to everybody except Cora and Maryanne.**

Trisha: **tries to shoot Sister Josephina.**

Sister Josephina: They're not loaded yet. **Calls the office. **Hello… Every girl in my class has a gun except for Maryanne and Cora! Please come suspend these enemies of God!

Policeperson: **grabs Trisha before putting her in the car. **Why did you do this?

Trisha: It was Sister Josephina. She gave them to us.

Principal: Sister Josephina! She would never. She's the most trusted Sister here. You liar! May the wrath of God punish you.

Note2: W…T…F! If anybody wants me to do another segment of Nun With Guns, review and tell me. If you do, I will put up another segment after Chapter 7. You have to admit that was funny.


	6. The Terror of Mr EbolaMan

Title: The Panda King Conquers All

By: Author 888

**Disclaimer: I like pandas and do not own Fruits Basket.**

Note: Warning: insanity, stupidity, Ayame, Tohru, shonen-ai, and EBOLA! WAH HAH HA HAH!

Chapter 6: The Terror of Mr. Ebola-Man!

Two days two nights until Yuki leaves…

Haru woke to find Yuki hugging him after what they did last night. _Aww… he's so cute when he's asleep. He looks so innocent. _Then Yuki opened his eyes.

"Haru… why are you in my bed?" Yuki asked as he quit his embrace.

"You don't remember what happened last night. That's so sad. Let me remind you…" Haru replied. Then he whispered something in Yuki's ear.

Yuki's eyes widened. "Did we really… I don't remember anything like that." Memories began to rush to his head. "Never mind… I do now."

Both of them woke up and dressed. Then they exited Yuki's room and began to walk around. Soon, they arrived at a courtyard walkway. They started walking around and looking at the flowers and pools when they noticed Hatori, still in the panda suit, using a really expensive video camera. They looked to where the camera was shooting to find Yoshiharu in a director's chair and Kyo and Kagura in matching green and white pinstriped shirts and tan pants.

"Aaaaaaaaaannnnnnnnndddddd… ACTION!" Yoshiharu yelled through a megaphone.

Kyo and Kagura started to walk over a bridge and began to sing:

**_We're the Doublemint Twins_**

_**With double good**_

_**Double fun**_

_**Doublemint twins**_

_**Mints—not gum**_

_**A mint you can savor**_

**_A blend of two flavors_**

Bawk began to play a saxophone. Momiji began to play the trumpet, and Purrl began to play the clarinet. Panda soldiers played some other instruments.

**_Everybody now_**

Ayame, Shigure, Tohru, Kisa, and Hiro begin to walk behind and sing too.

**_Double groovy _**

**_Double grand_**

_**Double flavor in your hands**_

_**La da da da da**_

Suddenly two blonde, female twins in the same type of outfits as Kyo and Kagura appeared directly in front of the camera.

**_New Doublemint Twins are different! _**

**_They're mints!_**

"AND CUT! THAT'S A RAP! GOOD JOB EVERYONE!" Yoshiharu got out of his directors chair and began to talk to the blonde twins.

Suddenly, a shadow loomed over the courtyard that made everybody look up. A hot air balloon the size of Shigure's house flew over the courtyard and an old man jumped out of it. The old man was about eighty years old and looked weak, but looks can be deceiving. As soon as the old man landed he ran up to Kyo and poked him without warning. "EBOLA!"

Kyo was shocked. "I don't want Ebola! Get it off of me. Get it off of me! NOW!" Kyo screamed as he wiped the area he was poked.

"Silly man, you can't get Ebola by poke. I only run around, poke people, and scream 'EBOLA'. Mr. Ebola-Man can't give people Ebola," Mr. Ebola-Man told Kyo. "I'm also the Czar of Russia, here to give you a declaration of war. You won't take Russia that easily!"

"Grab him!" Yoshiharu threw himself onto Mr. Ebola-Man. Then, he gave the Czar to Ritsu.

"You're pretty, young lady," Mr. Ebola-Man told Ritsu groggily. Ritsu blushed and smacked him.

Meanwhile, in Russia, the Czar began an announcement. "Hello, dear citizens or my beautiful Russia. I am sorry to announce to you today that my sister is dead. OH! Also, the Panda King now rules you. Bow to him."

Back at Panda Castle, Mr. Ebola-Man was looking at Bawk and Purrl. "Are you saying that these are talking animals?"

Bawk jumped in the air. "Of course I'm a talking animal!" He slapped Mr. Ebola-Man.

The sky began to grow dark. Thunder and lightning filled the sky. Everybody looked to the west, where the lightning was the worse. Suddenly, a hand rose from the ground. The skin was falling off.

(A/N:

Author111: Who is it? Who is it?

Author888: **smacks** I'll tell you soon!

Author111: Okay then!)

Suddenly, a crown of thorns appeared. Zombie Jesus rose from the grave. Mr. Ebola-Man felt a push from behind. Yoshiharu was telling him to go meet their guest.

Mr. Ebola-Man did as he was told. He ran up to the zombie and poked him. "EBOLAAAAAA!"

Zombie Jesus looked at him like he was stupid. "I'm here to become the servant of the panda king. He's my hero!"

Yoshiharu stared at Zombie Jesus. "Did you complete your job in heaven?"

"Yes, sir! The six disciples that were of greatest threat have been eliminated. God has been mildly poisoned." Zombie Jesus looked proud of himself.

"OH MY GOD! God is real!" Purrl looked amazed. "I don't know what to say."

Ayame looked at them all. "I'm such a pretty girl."

Note: I haven't written for months now! I'm sorry! I'm sorry! I hope you forgive me! Tune in next time for Chapter 7: The Wedding! I honestly need to see somebody.


	7. A Wedding To Remember

Title: The Panda King Conquers All

By: Author 888

**Disclaimer: It's peanut butter jelly time! Peanut butter jelly time! Where ya at! Where ya at! I do not own Fruits Basket, but I do own the Panda King, Purrl the cat priestess, Bawk the chicken, Mr. Ebola-Man, and Zombie Jesus!**

Warning: insanity, randomnessity, stupidity, shonen-ai, Zombie Jesus, marriage, Ayame, Tohru, and FURRY HATS!

Chapter 7: The Wedding

One day, two nights until Yuki leaves…

That evening, Yoshiharu, Ayame, and Shigure gathered everybody in the main ballroom. The room was decorated with white drapes covering the windows; pink bows were tied to them. The tables that were set around room also had the same design. On the middle table, a white cake stood high. On it, in pink icing, it was written, 'Happy Bar Mitzvah'.

Yoshiharu looked at the cake angrily. "It's supposed to talk about our marriage!"

Ayame looked at it stupidly, "OH! I was supposed to give that one to the next-door neighbors. Your cake was supposed to have edible gold on it." He called the neighbors quickly, explaining what had happened to them. "They'll be over in a few minutes."

A few minutes later, the cakes were exchanged, and the wedding was about to begin. Author 888 smiled as his most ambitious project was about to take place. He watched from a dark corner as Rin entered the room.

(A/N:

Author 887: Yes, that means I, Author 887, have taken his Author 888's place in writing for this chapter.

Author 111: Why do you always get to be second in command!

Author 887: Because I'm cool like that!

Author 111: O RLY!

Author 001: Yes, really!

Author 111: O RLY!

Author 887: DIE!

Author 001: o.O

Author 111: O.O

Author 004: Meow!)

Rin wore all black for the occasion, that was one thing Author 888 could not convince her to change, but Yoshiharu liked the dark color better than white and did not care at all. She walked slowly down the aisle, everybody's eyes following her. She soon made her way up front, her eyes staring right in Yoshiharu's.

Purrl was to wed the couple. She was the most religious next to Zombie Jesus after all. The cat looked them both in the eyes, seeing whether they were ready. She opened her mouth, "Do you, Yoshiharu, take this women to be your bride through sickness and in health, blah blah blah, and 'til death do you part?"

"Yes!" Yoshiharu looked toward Rin.

"Do you, Rin, take this panda to be your lawfully wedded husband, through sickness and in health, blah blah blah, and 'til death do you part?"

"Yes." She looked toward Yoshiharu.

"Then, you may kiss the bride. Let this woman be wed to this panda for the rest of their lives!" She watched the two lovers kiss passionately.

Hatsuharu did not know what to think. Yuki did not care. Bawk had tears coming from his eyes, and Mr. Ebola-Man was running around in circles because he was on fire. Zombie Jesus was not paying any attention at all, spending too much time thinking of all the reasons he had to kill God. Kisa was imagining a stick poking her. "No… No…"

Tohru ran to her parents. "Daddy! Mommy!" She went up and hugged Yoshiharu and Rin. "I can now be the princess of the world!" She began to laugh maniacally.

They suddenly heard the door open at the opposite end of the ballroom. Author 888 was shocked at what he saw. A little boy in a clown suit walked into the room, his costume stained with blood. The boy looked down as a drop of blood fell from his knife, hitting the ballroom floor. He quickly looked up, staring straight into the eyes of the angered Yoshiharu. A high-pitched voice exited the small boy's mouth. "I'm gonna kill you!"

Yoshiharu let out a roar of anger. "How dare you let blood fall on my carpet?" He ran toward the little clown boy, screaming in anger about how the carpeting cost thousands of dollars to replace.

Suddenly, Zombie Jesus screamed out. "No… NO! He's coming! God's coming back! He's going to rape me! He's going to rape me again!"

The little clown boy took advantage of everybody looking at Jesus to run away, making his way out of the castle, to the safety of the city. Yoshiharu turned to find the little clown boy gone. "DAMN IT! I WAS GOING TO KILL HIM!"

Zombie Jesus continued to scream as a light shown from the roof. God slowly sank from the sky, hovering above the ground. "I know that you poisoned me, son. I also know that it is the second Tuesday of the month. Come with me."

"NOOOOOOOOOOO! Please! Save me! I don't want to have be raped again!"

"I told you to come."

Author 888 took advantage of the moment to sneak out of the castle, running as soon as he made it to the garden. _Oh my God… God is going to rape Zombie Jesus…_ He ran back to the computer and finished typing out the chapter.

Note: OMG! God can rape Zombie Jesus… Doesn't he teach us not to rape people? **Is really confused** Does anybody understand the plot of this fiction at all?


	8. The New Ham Replacement

Title: The Panda King Conquers All

By: Author 888

**Disclaimer: The Internet is really, really great... for porn. There are so many opportunities… for porn. Fruits Basket is not usually insane teenager rated porn… only when I write about it.**

Warning: insanity, Ayame, genital herpes, shonen-ai, obese people, Christmas themes, and hippopotomonstrosesquipadaliaphobia

Chapter 8: The New Ham Replacement

1 day, 1 night until Yuki leaves…

Yuki woke up to find Zombie Jesus still missing. _Poor Zombie Jesus… I would rather be raped by anybody except my father. _He looked at the television in his room and turned on the news.

"…other news. The disappearance of ham has led to the substitution of obese people for this precious meat that everybody loves. We take it to Amoru Inoue details."

Amoru was shown in the streets of Tokyo where blood was all over the sidewalk. "Thank you. Early today, people walked into the grocery stores looking for one thing… HAM! They went straight to the ham, looking for the ham. After all, everybody loves ham.

"The people were shocked as the saw it… Right where the ham was supposed to be, turkey was taking up the space. Everybody began to riot and fight, causing the storeowners to chase everybody out of his or her store.

"The majority of the people, led by pop star Miyavi, started to advance on the obese people. They grabbed them and started tearing them apart. The remaining obese people began to run, but one-by-one, they were found and eaten. Back to you, in the studio."

The woman in the studio continued. "In doorknob based news, the American doorknob army has now started a battle with the Japanese doorknobs stationed in Luxembourg. The Japanese losses are only 5 at the moment, but the American losses are now at 500,500,500 this battle."

Yuki turned off the television. "That's nothing new." He began to walk the hallways of Panda Castle, noticing a sudden flash of light in the main courtyard. He ran to see what it was, finding Zombie Jesus with torn clothing and in the fetal position.

"H-hel-help me! He wants me to give him to antidote, or he will do it again. If I give him the antidote to the poison, he will not die though. We need him to die. It is the only way to take over the entire world. I don't know what to do."

"Oh, it's just you." Yuki turned away and was soon near a very disoriented Bawk. Bawk was quiet for once, not talking about everything. The next person he passed was Kyo, also disoriented and saddened.

"What's wrong with you, stupid cat?"

"That damn king, Yoshiharu! He made me have sex with Bawk!"

That made Yuki fall to the floor, holding back laughter. He was rolling like a log, and he was laughing loud roars of ecstasy. "I can't believe you did that!"

"Well, he's very convincing with a knife at your throat."

Soon, Tohru came by, a jewel embellished dress around her body. "As the soon to be princess of the world, I demand to know why you are laughing at Kyo!"

"He had sex with a chicken."

She also fell to the floor, laughing. Eventually, everybody was laughing at Kyo, even Mr. Ebola-Man. Suddenly, Yoshiharu broke everybody up and sent everybody on his or her way.

Yuki decided he would leave the castle and go shopping. Tohru tagged along, throwing some random foods in the cart here and there. "Come on Yuki! We need to be home soon!"

Tohru hurried him through the checkout line, deciding to add leeks at the last moment. "Now I can control Kyo." She began laughing her evil laugh… laughing all the way to the front gate of the castle. She would have continued, but bells distracted her and she pointed towards the sky. "Look!"

**_I was walking home on Christmas Eve_**

_**The whole neighborhood was fast asleep**_

_**Snow was falling, comin' down hard**_

_**The place looked like a picture postcard**_

_**And when my house came into view**_

_**I noticed something upon the roof**_

_**You can't imagine my surprise**_

_**When I looked closer and realized**_

_**It was Santa on the rooftop**_

_**And our house**_

_**Was Santa's first roof stop**_

_**The reindeer were quiet as a mouse**_

_**Didn't make a sound**_

_**Santa got ready to make his way down**_

_**He had one foot in the chimney**_

_**Destination: A brand new Christmas tree**_

_**I knew everyone would go into shock**_

**_When I told them I saw Santa on the rooftop_**

Sure enough, Santa Claus was entering the castle via one of the four chimneys on the roof. "Oh my God! Santa Claus!" Tohru began running inside the castle to be the first to meet him.

Yuki just stood there. _He's real… I don't know what to think._ Yuki remained there longer… just standing with a blank look on his face. _It's a dream come true._

Meanwhile, Tohru made her way to the correct room, only to find an empty room with a note in it. She picked it up, reading it. "He says that if we don't stop world conquest, he shall blow up this castle. We will never stop! You here me old bundle of fat and dreariness."

**_I tried to get home right away_**

_**But I was just a little to late**_

_**The gifts were laid out under the tree**_

_**With no sign of Mr. Santa**_

"I have to warn somebody!" She ran out of the room to see Zombie Jesus' room across the hall. "Zombie Jesus! Zombie Jesus!" She opened the door. "Santa Claus is real, and he has threatened to blow up Panda Castle! Where are you?" She stopped and heard music… romantic music.

**_I saw Mommy kissin' Santa Claus_**

_**Underneath the mistletoe last night**_

_**She didn't see me creep**_

_**Down the stairs to have a peek**_

_**She thought that I was tucked up in my bedroom fast asleep**_

_**I saw Mommy tickle Santa Claus**_

_**Underneath his beard so snow white**_

_**Oh, what a laugh it would have been**_

_**If Daddy had only seen**_

**_Mommy kissin' Santa Claus last night_**

She walked farther in to see the least expected event in recent history. Her mom was kissing Santa. "Oh… my… God…" Tohru's vision began to blur until she felt a hand on her shoulder. She looked back to see Mrs. Claus.

"Don't worry, dear. I'll put a stop to this." She turned to the couple. "NICHOLAS CLAUS! SINCE WHEN HAVE YOU BEEN ALLOWED TO KISS THE GHOSTS OF THE MOTHERS OF TEENAGE GIRLS?"

Santa and Kyoko jumped, Kyoko going through the nearest wall. "Dear… what are you doing here?"

"What are you doing here?"

"Umm… leaving."

"Yes you are, but I'm going to stay here and help the panda king because of what you have done. Now… BEGONE!"

Tohru watched Santa leave then turned to Mrs. Claus. "How did you get here if he had the sleigh?"

"I teleported." Mrs. Claus replied calmly.

"Okay then!"

They turned to leave only to be blocked by the little boy in the clown suit. "I'm going to kill you!" His high-pitched voice hurt Tohru's ears.

Mrs. Claus smiled. "No you won't." A winter storm began in the room, soon covering the little boy dressed as a clown. "I'll get you one day yet!" The boy disappeared under the snow.

Later, in the ballroom, Yoshiharu officially made Mrs. Claus the leader of the special task force Haru was in. "Congratulations!"

Note: That chapter was confusing… o.o I can't even quite follow it. Maybe you will do better than me. Anyway, Mrs. Claus is my hero and will always remain so! GO MRS.CLAUS!


End file.
